ARTHUR: O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly,… but there is one small problem.
ARTHUR: What is that?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are now… no longer the Knights Who Say ‘Ni’.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Shh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say ‘Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zu-owly-zhiv’.
RANDOM: Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.
ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of– knights who till recently said ‘ni’?
HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find… another shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!
RANDOM: Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
KNIGHTS OF NI: A path! A path! A path! Ni! Shh! Knights of Ni! Ni! Ni! Shh! Shh!…
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest… with… a herring!
[dramatic chord]
KNIGHTS OF NI: A herring!
ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!
HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!
ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can’t be done.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Augh! Ohh! Don’t say that word.
ARTHUR: What word?
HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.
ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don’t tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: You said it again!
ARTHUR: What, ‘is’?
KNIGHTS OF NI: Agh! No, not ‘is’.
HEAD KNIGHT: No, not ‘is’. You wouldn’t get vary far in life not saying ‘is’.
KNIGHTS OF NI: No, not ‘is’. Not ‘is’.
BEDEVERE: My liege, it’s Sir Robin!
MINSTREL: [singing]
He is packing it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering up And chickening out and pissing off home, Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.
ARTHUR: Sir Robin!
ROBIN: My liege! It’s good to see you.
HEAD KNIGHT: Now he’s said the word!
ARTHUR: Surely you’ve not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
MINSTREL: [singing] He is sneaking away and buggering up–
ROBIN: Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it.
HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
ROBIN: I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
ROBIN: Uh, here– here in this forest.
ARTHUR: No, it is far from this place.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word…
ARTHUR: Oh, stop it!
HEAD KNIGHT: …we cannot hear! Ow! He said it again!
ARTHUR: Patsy!
HEAD KNIGHT: Wait! I said it! I said it!
[clop clop clop]
Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That’s three ‘it’s! Ohh!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!… Narrative Interlude
NARRATOR: And so, Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty-four. Beyond the forest, they met Lancelot and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing.
KNIGHTS: Yay! Yay!
[whoosh]
NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin’s minstrels.
MINSTREL: [high-pitched] Get back! Eee!
NARRATOR: And there was much rejoicing.
KNIGHTS: Yay!
NARRATOR: A year passed.
CARTOON CHARACTER: [shivering]
NARRATOR: Winter changed into Spring.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Mmm, nice.
NARRATOR: Spring changed into Summer.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Oh. Ahh.
NARRATOR: Summer changed back into Winter,…
CARTOON CHARACTER: Oh?
NARRATOR: …and Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Aah.
[snap]
Oh! Waa!
NARRATOR: Until one day…
